I’ve been participating in a formal writing group since Covid when Rebecca Gold offered the free course, Corona Chronicles. What a blessing it was and continues to be! I’ve been involved with her offerings ever since. Rebecca offers two levels of classes, Writing Circle and Write Here, Write Now. The latter group meets every Wednesday for a lesson from 1:00-2:30. Recently, we practiced using proprioceptive writing and it’s something you can try as well. It’s a way to access deeper meaning and often, healing.
Rebecca led us through a five-minute meditation, paused, and whispered, “Notice how you feel.” We had ten minutes to write whatever came to mind. Free writing can lead to unexpected places.
Tom and I spent a few hours perusing the MoCA before I left him at the Berkshire Innovation Center in the capable hands of Dr. Dennis Rebelo. They were headed into an old vault for a conversation centered around narrative identity-based career exploration, a deep dialogue revealing key life moments, decision points, and motivations on one’s journey to meaningful work. Tom Thalmann is 6 of 50 innovative business minds to be interviewed for the My Story Vault podcast.
As I prepared to leave the MoCA, an angry snow squall hit; thunder boomed, lighting flashed. I hesitated before running to the car.
I could have stayed at the museum longer, waiting for the 1:00 tour which may have shed some light on my MASS confusion, but I opted to return to my room at The Porches for class.
Notice how you feel.
I feel cozy and comfy in this sweet, little room, tucked inside a snow globe. I feel peaceful and excited to join other beings in the process of revealing, peeling back layers in self-discovery, and diving below the surface as we connect in safe space created by our facilitator. (Sharing one’s writing is always optional.)
The snow globe and snow squall; a perfect metaphor for the fluctuations of the mind.
I am feeling safe and grounded here alone. I crave alone time and panic when I can’t get it. It seems to be the only time I feel completely at ease, moving and doing as I wish, a random snowflake in the snow globe! As I learn to honor rather than judge this part of myself, I also remain aware of my desire to achieve this level of peace and ease while in the company of others. What is the root cause of this dis-ease?
I am feeling conflicted. When I become ungrounded, I lose my center and question my intuition. I start to conflict! Do I go back to the museum later? After all, I’m here. I paid for it. Perhaps I’ve missed the best parts!
Do I take the tour with Tom and Dr. Dennis? My intuition clearly said, NO, you have no interest in a Business Innovation Center! Yet, I went anyways! I was bored to tears and that boredom led to an old tape that has played on repeat over the years, “Why can’t you enjoy this? Perhaps you aren’t smart enough!” But the truth is it simply isn’t in my field of interest and that’s okay. I’m learning what lights my fire and what doesn’t. It has nothing to do with intelligence!
Food is usually the biggest culprit in the attack on my mind and body. I get upset about the food! I freak if I eat out too often. My preference is to cook at home. This emanates from a lifelong struggle with body image but is also coupled with an overfocus on health and well-being. Often, mental flagellation does more damage than the physical ingestion. I’m well aware of my “ism”.
Rebecca calls time and directs us to go back, reread, and circle words that stand out. She then instructs us to pluck a circled word, plug it into the question (what do I mean by ____?) and continue writing.
What do I mean by vault? A vault is a secret and safe place to store precious things. Long ago, as a young mother, I continued taking college courses as I raised my babies. I consistently and persistently collected credits toward future empowerment. Eventually, I gathered enough to serve as a public-school teacher.
My second child was born on Williams Air Force Base in Arizona. That night in the hospital I studied for an exam and the next day, I packed her into a snuggly, went to class and took a test. I was determined.
What do I mean by dis-ease? Dis-ease is dysregulation. Dysregulation means I am in fight, flight, freeze, or fain mode due to my inability to self-regulate. As I look back over my life, I can identify multiple examples of freeze/fain. I remember admitting to a friend that I had no idea what was going on in that meeting, and she responded, “Damn Girl, you sure hid it well!” At times, I must have appeared stuck up in social situations. The truth was my mask was flawless, but inside I felt empty, boring, and fearful that someone would eventually find out I was an imposter!
What do I mean by “ism”? An ism is the overdoing of anything. It takes control of you; alcohol, work, exercise, shopping, gambling, cleaning, sex, food… you name it! It is a human condition that we use as distract us from dealing with underlying issues, to gloss over the pain and trauma we’ve all experienced.
So I spend my time between snow globe and snow squall, simply a work in progress.
I continue to write and allow old memories and behaviors to bubble up, be seen, felt, healed, and released. Writing saves me, evolves me, and holds me gently. And being in a healthy and supportive relationship is fertile ground fostering exponential growth.
My current mantra is based on a quote by Yogi Bera.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it! And for God’s Sake, don’t look back, lamenting over the other road.
P.S. I never did return to the MoCA. Small but mighty steps, my friends.