What do you know about the physical, mental, and spiritual stages of dying? Have you ever met a Death Doula? Do you wish to know more? I do!
I have become increasingly fascinated by this topic of study and hope to catch your heart and mind as well because we are all missing out. The greatest teachers are those at the end of life; being connected to death teaches us how to live!
The free training I took recently was so comprehensive and inspiring, I feel compelled to share it far and wide. I wish to help dispel the fear around death so we can all confidently assist and be present with our loved ones, feeling confident that we have the ability to foster peace and love while minimizing fear and regret.
Sadly, death has been removed, sterilized and monetized, becoming the #1 fear in the world. Most of us are mystified and paralyzed by the entire ordeal and it doesn’t have to end this way! With the help of a doula or simply becoming well informed yourself, we can begin to take back this privilege and lean in, using these precious windows of time to make amends, offer our love and forgiveness, the most transformative tools we have.
The doula never takes over but rather meets clients where they are. Doulas seek to give control back to the patient, along with their dignity.
A death doula offers invaluable support throughout the end-of-life journey.
Every time a doula visits, s/he uses these three questions to guide her observations, ask clarifying questions, to create and later tweak a care plan for the patient, caregiver, and family.
- Are there any acute issues (immediate needs: pain, nausea, exhaustion)
- Are there any safety concerns? (fall risk, confusion, weakness, trouble swallowing)
- What other support systems do they have?
A doula is available to walk one through the major stages of death and dying:
- Shock phase- The diagnosis is learned. The family independently experiences various stages of the grieving process.
- Stabilization phase- We make space for one-on-one conversations; seeking peace, acceptance, healing and forgiveness. Unresolved issues steal one’s peace, so we work to wrap up those loose ends. Say what you need to say. Practice compassion. Many patients are worried about their pet(s). Address the issue and secure new homes upon death of their owner.
- Transition phase- this can last hours or days. If we become familiar with the natural part of dying process, we will panic less and be more likely to relax and accept what is happening.
Indications that the process of dying has begun Ways to help
| The patient loses their desire to eat and /or ability to swallow. | Don’t force feed. This is the intelligent body shutting down. Keep lips moist using mint/lemon sponges, apply a lubricant inside and outside the mouth. |
| They may get agitated or restless- a stage called terminal restlessness. They may talk about going on a trip or I’m going home. Ask them what they need? | If they wish, help them pack a bag. |
| Some are visited by others who have already died, angelic beings who come to help them cross over. 72% of dying patients report seeing those who have already passed. | Listen to their stories with great interest. Be open and curious. |
| There may be a surge of energy, called a rally. This only happens to 1/3 of people. They are sleeping, seemingly close to death and suddenly wake up, clear as a bell | This is a gift; another window of time to be truly present. |
| They become incontinent. The body is still eliminating even in coma. | Keep them dry and clean. Apply a barrier cream on bony parts of body, turn and position patient |
| While actively dying their body temperature may fluctuate. They may develop a high fever. | Do common sense things to cool them off: take blankets and socks off. Use a cool cloth. |
| And/or they get cold as the heart is not pumping to extremities. Skin color may become pale or bluish. | Place warm blankets (ideally straight from the dryer), hold hands. |
| Muscles become flaccid; the mouth will hang open, and secretions may pool at the breastbone. | Gently wipe up. Let them know what you are going to do before touching the body. |
| Their breathing changes and you may hear gurgling or rattling sounds | Gently turn them to one side and place a folded pillow behind their back. Be comforted that your loved one is not suffering; this is a late sign they are leaving. |
| Give them permission to go. Sometimes they are waiting for resolution or waiting for you to leave the room. | Set a sacred space to include soft music, dim lighting, battery operated candles, aromatherapy. Use gentle touch, talk softly. Encourage family conversation, they can hear you. Let their pet(s) snuggle |
| They may choose to pass when you are out for a bathroom or coffee break. | Let go of the guilt. |
I want to be a doula. If you are in need of support, or are interested in joining a book club on this topic, please contact me at [email protected]
With Love,
Patty
p.s. We will read and discuss, The Good Death, by S. B. O’Brien
p.s.s. Take advantage of the free 90-minute course with Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN and CEO of Doula Givers