These days, in my early sixties and retired, I find myself very much missing my children and grandchildren who have all moved south, one to Charleston, SC, and the other to Nashville, TN. I spent the month of October living with each family and the extended time in each home only reinforced my desire to live in closer proximity for chunks of time throughout the year.
However, the timing is delicate as my parents live in RI and I am solely relied on for support. And so, I wish to intentionally navigate a balance between the two, finding many creative ways to love everyone whether I am here or there. I send pictures and videos, mail gifts and handwritten letters, use facetime to catch up and play, read aloud, and for regular beginning or end-of-day check-ins.
I can’t know the timeline or how and when this will all unfold, which is surely a gift! Time affords me the opportunity to sit in inquiry around my newfound ability to fly. Have you ever had a flying dream? I’ve had them periodically throughout my life. Most of my flights started with a thrilling lift-off but ended in fear and loss of control. I never got very far or fully enjoyed the joy of liberation. The last dream I had took place in Wakefield, RI. In the dream, I was living in an apartment there and my lift off was safe and complete!
Isn’t it all a grand journey? I can tell you I certainly didn’t always feel this way. My life was fraught with suffering, confusion, lack of discipline, self-doubt and anxiety. Fortunately, as we age, we evolve, grow wiser, lean into and integrate deep thought work to overcome our demons.
One of my new “still rooting” beliefs is that I am infinite, eternal and whole which offers incredible peace and freedom. This precious and mysterious seed was generously instilled by one of my many brilliant teachers. Devarshi’s book, The Three Essentials, was recently released on Amazon. He remains the biggest, brightest and truest beacon of light I know.
In this particular season and moment, time is on my side. These days I don’t have to work. I get to travel as I wish. I get to linger in the mornings if I want. I get to play all the time.
My play mainly consists of physical activity to include yoga, tennis, weightlifting, walking and landscaping. But I also love to puzzle and play cards, cook, read, write and study. I am fortunate to work with a life coach, another avenue for invaluable access to freedom.
I sleep well, eat well and live in a relatively pain free body. I enjoy fairly healthy relationships that are constantly evolving as I learn new skills and gain wisdom on how to live more slowly and intentionally, which leads me to new ways to best love myself and others.
However, I am aware that my body is aging and I am nudged to take advantage of opportunities before it’s too late. Among these wishes are a bike trip through New Zealand, a boat -bike excursion through Eastern Europe, and yoga retreats in other countries where I can extend my stay to remain immersed in the culture.
I live a blessed life of abundance. I have enough. Over a span of several decades, I have been fortunate to work with many amazing teachers and now contain a treasure trove of knowledge and gifts I wish to share. My heart is leading me to work as a life/death doula.
A death doula works to support the dying process in a non-medical capacity. They may work beside Hospice to support the dying member along with his/her caretakers, family and friends. A death doula can assist in a variety of ways. They may facilitate forgiveness and final conversations, dissipate fear, offer and enlist support for the caregiver, and even help save money and stress in planning final arrangements.
Yes, I am extremely fortunate, but this life didn’t just fall into my lap. I worked my patooti off to get here; teaching for over 30 years in the public school system and running an AirBnB post-divorce while living within my means and investing wisely.
I have been and continue to be a lifelong learner. My training and experiences run deep in the practices of yoga, meditation, breathwork, nutrition, personal training, and life balance. I have attended numerous courses and retreats on a variety of topics.
With gratitude for my teachers and myriad opportunities, I now believe I can listen deeply and hold space, I already have all I need within, and I contain the capacity to be present, regulated and available. My tool bag is full! Years of living in freeze/fawn mode left me with the belief that I wasn’t smart enough and incapable of retaining and retrieving information as needed.
My thoughts and words are flowing now. My heart is open.
Admitting these blessings used to make me feel guilty. I spent most of my life hiding my light under a bushel basket. Sharing what was good felt like showing off or being unkind. But these days, I have flipped that old belief on its head. It is good and necessary to shine our light, share our light, inspire and support. We are all on this magnificent journey together and if we love and celebrate ourselves, we are more likely to connect, inspire and celebrate others.
Be still and know.