I should have said, “no” to all the men in my life. I should have said, “yes” to all the women. However, the effects of family and life experience caused a need in me to garner the attention of men and a fear in me of the attention from women. I sadly believed my only offering was my outside appearance, my body, and the care I could provide to a man.
My disconnect to self caused anxiety and a deep fear of being seen. Therefore, women friendships were off limits. The thought of deep connection/intimacy with anyone, male or female resulted in withdrawal, freezing or fauning, and at times, a full blown panic attack.
With men, the intimacy came through sex and my desire to take care of them as my grandmother, mother and aunts showed me. This was my greatest offering and as close to intimacy as it got.
It was a long and lonely life as a detached being; constantly running and performing.
Recently, I had a date night with my boyfriend, Ben, who was coming down for dinner and yoga. I arrived home after a day of teaching feeling pretty beat and started stressing over not being “prepared” for his arrival. I wanted to be fresh, clean and shaven, have the house in order, and the beef stew simmering on the stove while we walked.
When he pulled into my driveway, I was sipping a hazelnut muffin hot latte on my front porch, catching some healing Vitamin D sun rays!
As he walked toward me, I pronounced, “I’m taking off my superwoman cape!”
He said, “Good! Forget the beef stew! Let’s go to Dave’s and pick up dinner.”
We never took the walk or the yoga class. Instead we binged on Ted Lasso. I need to let down and do nothing more often and my Lover fully supports and encourages this new behavior. “Dolce Far Niente”, were his parting words. (The sweetness of doing nothing).
The best part is that I didn’t waste an ounce of energy beating myself up the next day! Progress. Small steps, but progress.
