I’ve rewritten this piece a dozen times and have taken out most of the original content. I’m having the hardest time because I don’t want to call people out, place blame, or sound preachy.
I’ve lived beside and with the drama and devastation that incurred in alcohol’s wake yet never took a hard stance against it. The programming is deep and I have much to discover and understand. I believe reading, This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace, will be enlightening and affirming, yet I haven’t read beyond the endorsements.
Here are a few samples:
“It exposes the false notion that alcohol is an essential feature of an interesting and happy life.”
“It was so interesting to read more about the science behind addiction and the unconscious mind.”
“You will realize how alcohol truly has no place in your life and the myths we use to justify its consumption.”
“This book forces us to confront society’s relationship with alcohol and will change lives.”
“Drinking levels that we once considered alcoholism are now the norm.”
Compelling statements, right? So why haven’t I devoured the book and why can’t I seem to finish this blog? I believe there are many reasons, conscious and subconscious, and perhaps the timing is not yet right. I hope that when I do publish, you may find it thought provoking, if not inspiring and insightful. For myself, I hope to have made peace with the fact that alcohol no longer has a place in my life.
My first date with Paul was almost a year ago. I asked if he’d join me in a yoga class. He’d never stepped inside a yoga studio and yet agreed to attend! What guy does that?
We left yoga and walked next door for coffee talk. We had been voraciously texting for two weeks, had both been divorced for at least five years and had spent a couple years in the dating scream/screen! Additionally, we’d each had at least one long term relationship and were done with the game of simply showing only one’s shiny bits. Instead, we dove into the deep dark truth.
Paul divulged that he hadn’t had a drink in over 15 years and waited for my reaction. Apparently, some women bolt upon learning this fact, but I was impressed, inspired and intrigued. It was music to my ears as I’d dreamed of a partner who didn’t partake. Our common ground led to a strong foundation of trust and a deeply loving partnership.
But in truth, when it came right down to it, I found it difficult to walk the walk. Even though I had been slowly and steadily moving in the direction of sobriety for years, I still battled with not having a drink in social situations.
Paul has a wide social circle and as an introvert, being thrust into large groups of unfamiliar faces was disconcerting. I needed a drink! Sometimes I needed a drink even if I was out with my own family and friends. I was using alcohol to curb my social anxiety, let down, and “have fun”. So, for the first several months of our courtship, I continued to have a drink here and there and he never discouraged me.
I’d venture to guess that most of us grew up heavily influenced by adults and their relationship with alcohol, whether that be in our own homes, with extended family, or in our neighborhoods. Not to mention our exposure through TV, movies and advertisements. I grew up seeing and believing that drinking was the thing to do. Adults drank. It’s how they had fun. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, a whopping 87% of adult Americans drink. I can only name three people in my life who don’t drink at all.
Alcohol had always been part of my former relationships. I wasn’t capable of being in an intimate relationship without it. Drinking glossed over the fear of deep intimacy along with any underlying and/or recurring problems. Instead of having the hard conversations, we drank, sometimes to release the undercurrents of dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, they usually erupted in argument and nothing truly ever resolved. We just dusted off and continued the dance.
As our children became involved in sports, post-game events for the parents centered around drinking. Sadly, I witnessed the lessons being imparted to our children!
I observed over decades the patterns, the destruction, and the passing on of tradition, but I wasn’t strong enough to take a stand in my truth. Alcohol was not serving me, yet I couldn’t walk away. I was caught in the web of prevalent societal messages: You’re no fun. You’re boring. Lighten up! And the promise of being funnier, more creative and sophisticated, as well as the life of the party!
Long ago, I met a woman in yoga teacher training, and we talked about going out to dance to live bands, but I learning she was sober and couldn’t imagine how that would go down. Sadly, I never called her. People may feel the same way about me now. Wondering why I’m not drinking. People who drink want others to drink with them. It’s truly a thing!
“The hard part is going against groupthink, the herd mentality of our alcohol-saturated culture. After all, alcohol is the only drug on earth you have to justify not taking.” Annie Grace
For me, the alcohol-free bonus means waking up on time and without a hangover. Instead, we go hiking, take courses, watch TedTalks, practice yoga, read, write, cook meals, hang out in coffee shops, and sometimes attend AA Meetings. Most importantly, I’ve learned I can be in an intimate relationship and have the hard conversations face to face without getting high! I’m in a relationship that I didn’t believe was possible.
In addition, the decision to stop drinking has only bolstered and accelerated my social confidence. After taking a course “Story Like You Mean It” with Dr. Dennis Rebelo, I became acutely aware of my social deficits and objectives, primarily my desire to connect more meaningfully. I actively practice my conversational and collaborative skills daily. These skills are sticking and my social interactions are improving, allowing me to enter social engagements with greatly reduced anxiety!
The absence of alcohol simply allows for improved intentional living and evolving. As a non-drinker, I go to bed earlier, sleep sounder, and rise earlier.
What do you go to bed early for?
If you are interested in learning more about the social-emotional-physiological effects of alcohol, read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.
Better yet, let’s read it together.