The end of the school year came to a screeching halt. In addition to the amped up end of year teacher tasks, my Tuesday night writing meetings concluded, as did the development of the website for this blog.
What a gift of space and freedom!! There’s truly nothing like it and it’s amazing for a week or two, but then I find I need to regain routine and balance.
On a particular Wednesday morning a few weeks into school summer vacation, I had a very hard time getting out of bed. I felt so lethargic. I had fallen into more than a few bad habits, falling asleep later than norm to the hypnotic scroll of Instagram and sleeping in, awakening to a game of Wordle.
I was also drinking more alcohol and playing too much. “Too much playing? Is that true?” This thinking was coming from old behaviors and beliefs. The first step is being aware and I am on it, however, every once in a while the sneaky Ego creeps in to demand I grow up and get shit done!
And after two disappointing dates, I was considering if I’d ever meet a potential partner via a dating app. But if I failed my quest, what would happen with the blog? What the hell am I doing anyway! I felt defeated and exposed. Ego took full advantage of my doubt and showed up like a knight in shining armor. “Darling, you should give it up. The partner you are holding out for doesn’t exist. Who do you think you are anyway, freaking Sophia Loren? And why the heck are you sharing your personal life with the world?”
I lingered in the warm blankets of despair before throwing the blankets aside, pissed off Patty launched out of the wrong side of the bed and begrudgingly drove to the pickleball court. Damn it! Why did I commit to meeting Bridget at 10:00?
As I pulled into Wilson Park, a motorcycle pulled up next to me. This guy was a hunk. My eyes followed his backside as he ran to the field opposite the courts. Every so often, I’d grab sneak peeks between serves. He was drilling hard, clearly determined and disciplined. YUM YUM Yummy!
“Bridget, see that man way down at the other end of the field. If you see him leaving, let me know. I have to meet him.”
At the next break, I excused myself and walked toward him. He had one leg up on a picnic table stretching. I sauntered up and asked, “What are you training for?”
His shirtless torso glistened, his six pack was well defined! And in just a few minutes, I learned he was not only training for the Master’s National Pentathlon, but is an elementary librarian and a high school track coach. That’s a winning combination in my book! That’s a goddamn trifecta! My excitement dwindled when he told me he was visiting RI from his home in Kentucky.
As I walked back to the pickle ball courts, I was tempted to leave a note on his motorcycle, but I didn’t. I’d chalk this one up to successful approach and banter with a “knock my socks off” man! Progress.
…………..
Once I returned home, a baritone voice from somewhere deep inside my belly growled, “Get ooowwwwt!” Think Sigourney Weaver when she was taken over by Zuul in Ghostbusters!
I left immediately and mindfully mulled over the most efficient route between North Kingstown and Providence, considering the stops I’d need to make as well as traffic patterns. If you’re not a Rhode Islander, you wouldn’t understand this kind of planning prior to making the trek to the state capitol just 25 miles away.
My first stop would be Brewed Awakenings on Route 2 in Warwick. Yes, I’m going to treat myself to a decaf latte and journal writing.
Being a Frugal Fanny, I reasoned it would be more efficient to start at Warby Parker in East Providence and work my way back down to Warwick.
No, no, no! Screw tight wad Theresa, you need this coffee/writing session asap!
I spotted him instantly. He was sitting at the bar, fully focused on the work before him. I was intrigued. He was a mix of all that I desire: a touch of nerd, a smatter of George Clooney, great style, black framed rectangular glasses, a tall, strong body, and good energy.
I began to formulate a plan; I’d gather my coffee and make my way to the corner of the bar, feigning interest in the tennis match on the TV overhead.
As I slowly and deliberately stirred a raw sugar into my latte, I asked, “Are you guys really working or are you here for pleasure?”
That was my line! Ha! They both answered “work” and as soon as black frames turned my way, I zoomed in hard on “knock my socks off man #2” of the day! The other man at the bar, along with the surroundings of Brewed Awakenings faded away to a muted background set. Only the two of us existed!
We struck up a conversation and shared about our dating journeys, my matchmaking process, children, our living situations and our love for writing. He handed me his business card and I shared my website before taking leave. I headed outside to settle in to write. Before leaving for East Providence, I texted, “Matt, let’s meet at The Nook for coffee sometime.” No reply. I figured he’d read my blog and decided I was a lunatic!
An hour later he responded that he’d been on a zoom meeting. “How about we meet tomorrow morning at 9:00? I’m leaving for New Hampshire at 12:00 to celebrate my birthday alone….unless you want to come to N.H. with me?”
“Although N.H. sounds very tempting! I’ll meet you for coffee.”
Later that day, he texted again to tell me he was thinking about grabbing a bottle of wine and going to sit somewhere on the water in North Kingstown. Ironically, my girlfriend had just canceled our kayaking date, so I offered this as an option.
We kayaked a little and then tied our boats to a buoy and clumsily opened the wine while bumping up against one another in the choppy water. It wasn’t an ideal setting. His back started to hurt and my ass was sopping wet. Looking back now, it turned out to be quite the metaphor for our ending.
After securing the kayaks on the beach, we walked back to my house. I went into my bedroom to change my soggy bottom. He used the bathroom and met me on the couch. We finished the bottle of rose and kissed. He sat connected to my left hip. We kissed again and before I knew it, my brassiere was MIA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow the roll! Reminding myself of the dating traps, I was determined not to have sex with this very handsome, alluring man.
Over the next few days, we texted like mad. We seemed to be a perfect match. Matt was clearly passionate and gentle. He’s a published author and enjoys reading. He’s well-spoken, a great communicator, intelligent and affectionate. He is handy and offered to help set up my air conditioner on the spot. And he loves my feet!!!! Says I have cute toes. Hee hee
We had an instant physical, emotional and intellectual connection. I was obsessed and had a hard time sleeping and breaking away from thinking of him.
Our next (real) first date was scheduled for Tuesday, but we couldn’t wait. We met up on Sunday at Goddard Park for a walk and then dinner at EG Oyster Bar.
He had offered to pick me up for the date and I had accepted. Now I had to backpedal and tell him that I’d prefer to drive my own car. Being a recovering co-dependent, I hate to disappoint others and often put their needs before my own. I’m working through the discomfort of learning to put myself first.
Before I left the house, I wrote this on a notepad:
Love, not fear. Breathe. Be yourself. Honor yourself. Go slow. Laugh. Be silly and playful. Stay grounded. Know you are worthy and it’s okay if he opts out. I have no control of who comes into my life and who leaves it.
And then I added the wise words of Devarshi:
Life is a learning experience where we are safe to explore the heights and depths of living fully, without harm in any way to our infinite being of light. We get to experience EVERYTHING fully: including death, loss, loneliness, fear, grief, betrayal, joy, ecstasy, bliss, devotion, union, awe, love.
EVERYTHING.
P.s. This relationship was over in a hot minute, one week to be exact. Without the Matchmaker, I again fell into several dating traps. Regression and rejection are part of growth and inner strength, fodder for being present to the full circle of life.
Onward we go!