My heart hurts and this is fantastic news!  I’ve been asking for Divine intervention, begging my angels and guides to help me remove the padlocks that have bound my heart for so long.

I grew up thinking that I was always supposed to be happy and make others happy in the process.  Co-dependent is a term I’d use to describe myself.  This means I buried all my shit and chose to ignore my emotions.  I didn’t know how to show up for myself.  I abandoned my own ship and used others needs as a form of distraction.

As I continue the work of emotional excavation, I’m seeing myself more clearly and where I still have fortification. Facing years of dysfunction, my struggles with intimacy, my inability to show up for myself and therefore others in the ways I wish I had been capable is devastating. It’s sad, disheartening, and downright overwhelming.  On the other hand, it is a blessing.

Whatever you find in your path is the path!  There are no mistakes and situations present to help us grow and learn to love harder, if we’re courageous enough to look and feel and grow.

A few days ago, I finished my four-hour shift on the farm and plunked into the bucket seat of my Kia Optima, dirty as a groundhog.  On my phone I found a lengthy and scathing text from my former boyfriend, Ben.  Wow, it knocked me off my feet for days.  Did I deserve his wrath? Am I as horrible as his words suggested? 

I had several options at my disposal: 1. ignore, delete and block  2. retaliate, or 3. let it sink in and feel it all.  They say time heals all things. Perhaps, but what I think is more for sure is that when we take advantage of the pause, we are more rational, wise and compassionate in our responses.  

Once I was able, I decided to dissect his words to find which trespasses were truly mine to own and which were not. This was a perfect opportunity to learn more about my Self and how to do better. 

I’ll take responsibility for creating a “fantasy” partnership.  I was seeking love and deceived myself into thinking he was my forever guy.  I truly wanted him to be and tried my best to step in consciously with both feet.  In the end, it wasn’t meant to be.

I deny and will not take responsibility for the accusation that I disrespected his family.  His family is amazing and I will miss them all.  Sadly, this is part of the carnage of a break-up.  I forever wish them well and will always love each and every one, including you, Ben.

I may be guilty of chasing the fantasy of the love partnership I desire, but my intention was never, ever to hurt another being.  For this, I sincerely apologize.

“Go back and take care of yourself.  Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you.  You suffering needs you to acknowledge it.  Go home and be there for all these things.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

Blessings,

Patty