“Find a partner who makes your nervous system relax so deeply that you feel safe to share your raw truth and be your most genuine self.
Love should feel like a sanctuary.”
Yung Pueblo
Last year while living with family for months at a time, I established a routine consisting of yoga at the Island Heron in Jamestown followed by the best coffee ever at Slice of Heaven. This routine served as a refuge, providing a place to regroup and reground. On the other days, I’d work out at The Planet. It’s perfect until it isn’t, right?
This routine had been crucial to my well-being and had served its purpose until just recently.
I’ve been living with Tom since mid-August and his home has become my refuge. No longer in need of a home away from home, I got to thinking about the time spent driving to Jamestown from Wakefield. This re-evaluation led me to a chain of self-discovery.
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Tom and I are taking a course with Dr. Dennis Rebelo based on his novel, Story Like You Mean It. The course is not meant to be personal counseling or relationship building, yet due to this deep, rich work combined with the sanctuary of my partner’s heart, my life is transforming at a steady clip.
Just yesterday on the way home from Sky Top, a resort in the Poconos, we had one of the deepest most vulnerable conversations of my life. We had spent three days driving and dining with other car enthusiasts. As we reflected on our several wonderful moments and conversations, the words, “Well, I think he’s impulsive,” tumbled from my lips.
Often, the words we speak are simply a mirror of our own inner landscape and after a few minutes of discussing another’s impulsiveness, I humble admitted, “I’m impulsive, too.”
As a result of my work with Dr. Dennis, I am learning to identify self-event moments (Blue Dots) and categorize them as the hero, collaborate, or virtuous stories of my life. A hero blue dot is a significant moment in time you experienced on your own like quitting smoking or running a triathlon, whereas a collaborative moment is completed with another. The virtuous story basically means that you have found something in life that you love doing and you are innately good at it. This is something you should not keep from the world. This sparked my desire to share my love and knowledge of yoga.
Just last week, I decided on a whim to check out my local YMCA. I spoke with the program director and sent her my resume. I was ready to throw my well-established routine out the window and put all my eggs in one basket.
“Why don’t you take a few weeks to attend some classes. Do a little research. Feel it out”, Tom gently suggested.
But I wasn’t buying that. I had ignored my intuition for far too long, afraid to make a move, instead staying small and stuck. It was time to shake it up and jump back into teaching yoga!
Throughout our conversation, Tom helped me discover some deeply rooted and ingrained belief patterns, a spotlight shone on my perfectionism!
In addition, I would be ignoring three giant red flags to jump to what I thought was the answer. “Don’t do this to save money and time. And more importantly don’t shortchange yourself on your own yoga practice. Do what is in your own best interest,” he nudged.
In the end, I came to the realization that by taking the YMCA job, I’d be falling back, not forward.
As the conversation drilled deeper and became more vulnerable, I unbuckled my seatbelt and started to fish around the back of the car. “I’m worried my tub of hair product may have fallen and spilled open,” subconsciously attempting to divert the conversation.
Tom lovingly pulled me back and our fruitful discourse continued.
“Babe, I have to tell you this past weekend was a blue dot moment for me,” I meekly admitted.
Friday night at dinner, we sat across from a couple our age and quickly learned we’d both met on Match.com later in life. We’d all been divorced and had grown children and grandchildren. Our new compadres dove into a few stories around navigating life with their exs. Suddenly, she paused, “Well, we’ve just aired some dirty laundry, got any for us?”
Ha! I launched into a story about Tom’s ex, went out of my own lane, did not follow the rules of “I” talk and as a result felt great shame and remorse. To be honest, it wasn’t that bad, but it was bad enough to send me down the rabbit hole. That event caused a silent panic attack that followed me like a smelly fart into the rest of the evening. While on my way to the rabbit hole of self-recrimination, I stepped into old crappy thinking; I don’t fit in here, I add no value, I can’t hold a conversation. Blah, blah, blah! Sadly, I repeated a pattern of creating separation, exacerbating my suffering. The silver lining was exposing the behavior which creates the opportunity for real change!
As I showered before bed, I made a conscious decision to reevaluate and commit to showing up fully to this new community. And I did! Saturday night at dinner, I carried the conversation. With new awareness honed from the course, I used my skills of creativity, leadership and adaptability to communicate and connect. It was truly a breakthrough!
Tom and I also discussed what I had perceived as the “Ex” conversation debacle. It wasn’t such a big deal to him and even served as a clarifying moment.
We can grow leaps and bounds in the right relationship and I am so amazed and thankful to have found a partner I can do this breakthrough work with!
Blessings abound. I wish the same for you!
Maha Love, my friends.
Patty